Pardon me, but when did the Wall Street Journal start writing about butts?

When you think of The Wall Street Journal, Gordon Gekko, hostile takeovers, men in white shirts with their sleeves rolled up shouting “SELL, SELL, SELL”, and Bernie Madoff come to mind.

Butts do not.

So imagine my surprise when the publication turned its considerable reporting resources towards the male bottom. Specifically, the growing demand for a bigger one.

The article in question? 

‘Is the secret to men’s longevity a great butt?'

I know what you're thinking, and same. For a brief (and truly euphoric) moment, I wondered if, perhaps, I was going insane (again). Alas, no.

There it was. The paper of record for people who describe money as “capital” was investigating men’s eternal search for the perfect peach.

And, quite frankly, good on them.

There’s only so much geopolitical instability a reader can absorb before wanting to know whether his arse looks flat in those trousers.

Am I right, ladies, or what?

Yesterday’s news, today’s bottom

Now, the piece was published a little while ago. I missed it then, but its renewed circulation on social media suggests I wasn’t the only person yet to be briefed.

Fear not. My Google alert for “butt” and all butt-related paraphernalia is now on. Nothing will slip through the cracks.

So why care now? Well, it's begun doing the rounds on social media, well, on my algorithm at least and based on a study of one, that's worth a discussion.

But look, there’s also a serious publishing point tucked in here, somewhere beneath the Lycra.

According to the Reuters Institute, nearly four in 10 people aged 18–24 said social media was their main news source in 2025, up from two in 10 in 2015. Only one in four named news websites or apps. Social media had become the leading news source for that age group.

Which means publishers are competing for the attention of people who may have opened Instagram to check on an ex and accidentally become informed.

Your painstakingly reported investigation has to earn its place between someone’s wedding, a kitchen renovation and a man explaining why you’re breathing incorrectly.

In that company, a story about men wanting bigger bottoms has a fighting chance. And if readers missed it the first time, there’s every reason to give it another outing.

Ear to the ground. Finger on the pulse. Eyes, apparently, on the glutes.

A different kind of ass-et management

The story's sell is straightforward: men want bigger bottoms, and they’re prepared to work for them. And while the premise itself is enough to make you click, the quotes will keep you there.

For example, Daniel Rice, a personal trainer in Los Angeles, tells the Journal that “the guys all want thick thighs and a bigger butt”. 

Men are also feeling pressure from external sources, like the media, with the article referencing the rise of leading men flashing sculpted derrieres on screen. 

The piece points to Heated Rivalry actors Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams as contributors to the glute envy.

It must be exhausting to watch television and come away with another body part to worry about. Welcome, gentlemen. We’ve been expecting you.

An actor prepares

The piece then introduces us to Carson Zone (yes, absolutely his real name), an “actor” who utters the article's literary piece de resistance, telling the publication that the reason he chooses to focus on his buttocks is that: “I know the time to show my ass on-screen will come”.

A true epitaph for the ages. Ted Hughes could never.

Finally, some (ahem) growth figures

Naturally, the Journal brings numbers.

Equinox says male bookings for its “Best Butt Ever” class have increased 17% since 2024. And look, while 17% across two years isn't a whole lot to sing and dance about, I, for one, am glad to see a publication accustomed to interrogating growth forecasts finally checking where the real growth has occurred.

And look, let's face it, the whole thing is a lovely little detour for a newspaper whose other business includes FBI investigations and NATO defence plans. 

After all, who knew that after all this time the junk we needed to care about was in the boot, not the bonnet.

Turns out size really does matter.